The scenario is this: a few years back, someone came to my door with a hard-luck story about how tough it was back home, and how he hoped to make a living for himself in our town. The long and short of it was, would I be able to accommodate him? He was willing to work hard, pay his share of the bills and in his words, wouldn't be any bother.

And he kept to his word; things were fine for quite some time. Then one day, while I was cooking, (and you know how much I love to cook), he said, "You know, I've never particularly taken to your cuisine. Why don't we try a few dishes where I come from?"

Well, I was a bit miffed, but I did want to see what was on offer, so we went for it. And you know, the food was pretty good!

A few weeks later, I came home to find him digging away in the garden. So I asked him, "What are you up to? I've had those flower beds for quite some time now!"

And he explained, "Well, I was feeling kinda homesick; so I thought I could plant some plants from back home. I know you wouldn't mind."

Well, those flowers smelt pretty nice, so I let him have a go at it.

A couple years went by, and I decided to go south for a break. When I came back, he'd only gone and built an extension 'round the back! So I asked him, "What's all this about then?" And he said, "Well, I could see you were feeling pretty cramped, so I thought I'd build a bedroom for myself."

Well, I could see the logic in that, so I decided to let him be.

Since then, he's moved a couple of cousins over, cut down the old oak 'round the back, "It looked rather dangerous." and has gotten married. But I kinda like the old chap, so I didn't really mind.

But now, his son's all grown up. And for some strange reason, he's taken a real dislike to me. He's accused me of all sorts of things; I nicked his DVDs, borrowed his hair dryer without asking him, even sold his car and kept the money for myself.

He's become quite violent. Him and his mates are forever loitering 'round the front, looking at me and muttering to themselves.

Thing is, I'm about to go off on holiday next week. Do you think I'll have a home to come back to in two weeks time?