Several recent news items have convinced me that we are now committed to  placing our entire nation on the market. Today, I saw various punters haggling over the following items for sale at the local booty;

Public Transport

This week, talks are underway to hand over parts of the London Underground to a Chinese takeaway *. Customers using the underground will be given fortune cookies predicting the chances of arriving at their chosen destination. The underground services will be closed between 2 - 5 pm, and all station names will be changed. New names will be translated from the original Chinese, and will cause hilarity and bafflement, "Single to Bear's Sweet & Sour Balls please." Customers will give up and use numbers instead.

* or was that takeover?



Martial Honour

As from today, the military chain of command will be disbanded, and senior officer ranks will be replaced by a quango, the  "I Haven't A Clue What My Men Are Upto" Council

As no-one will ever have to claim responsibility for defence of the realm, households will be issued with a booklet, "So You Have Been Conquered By Another Nation."

Research is being conducted by the government to ascertain the nation most likely to assume control over Britain; once a conclusion is drawn, lessons in that language will be conducted in schools.

Law & Order

All naughty people are to undergo a baffling system of mild intimidation by uniformed goons, boring lectures by be-wigged old men, and a chat from a Social Worker about how they've been let down by society before being released to have another go at committing the perfect crime.



Constitution

The Europeans have decided that creating a constitution whereby everyone agrees to every boring detail is just simply too much trouble, and are willing to appoint a Prime Minister of their choice to become Grandmaster President of Europeland for Life. This is only if we would just shut-up and do as we are told by people who know better. From now on, all rulings made by a court can be overturned by...well anyone really.

Manners & Decorum

Rather than setting an example of how to behave before the Head of her husband's government, Mrs Blair will be giving lectures at £20,000 on "Do As You Please in Modern Society." This is a second instalment based on the success of her first lecture, "I Have Rights & No Responsibilities."

If there are any bargains, I get first choice!

Tobbot, aka Tobstv