The scenario is this: a few years back, someone came to my door with a hard-luck story about how tough it was back home, and how he hoped to make a living for himself in our town. The long and short of it was, would I be able to accommodate him? He was willing to work hard, pay his share of the bills and in his words, wouldn't be any bother.

And he kept to his word; things were fine for quite some time. Then one day, while I was cooking, (and you know how much I love to cook), he said, "You know, I've never particularly taken to your cuisine. Why don't we try a few dishes where I come from?"

Well, I was a bit miffed, but I did want to see what was on offer, so we went for it. And you know, the food was pretty good!

A few weeks later, I came home to find him digging away in the garden. So I asked him, "What are you up to? I've had those flower beds for quite some time now!"

And he explained, "Well, I was feeling kinda homesick; so I thought I could plant some plants from back home. I know you wouldn't mind."

Well, those flowers smelt pretty nice, so I let him have a go at it.

A couple years went by, and I decided to go south for a break. When I came back, he'd only gone and built an extension 'round the back! So I asked him, "What's all this about then?" And he said, "Well, I could see you were feeling pretty cramped, so I thought I'd build a bedroom for myself."

Well, I could see the logic in that, so I decided to let him be.

Since then, he's moved a couple of cousins over, cut down the old oak 'round the back, "It looked rather dangerous." and has gotten married. But I kinda like the old chap, so I didn't really mind.

But now, his son's all grown up. And for some strange reason, he's taken a real dislike to me. He's accused me of all sorts of things; I nicked his DVDs, borrowed his hair dryer without asking him, even sold his car and kept the money for myself.

He's become quite violent. Him and his mates are forever loitering 'round the front, looking at me and muttering to themselves.

Thing is, I'm about to go off on holiday next week. Do you think I'll have a home to come back to in two weeks time?

Putting tons of stuff on eBay!

This is all part of the great Tobbot plan to empty the family's wardrobes.

The only problem is; for every item I sell, Mrs Tobbot buys 2 more!

Tobbot, aka Tobstv

So this morning, Teen-Tobbot & I donned our biker gear, and were soon bombing down the M3 towards Bagshott Heath.

Mine is a mixed story; though born in the UK, I was emigrated abroad by my parents aged 4. Educated in India, I decided that a British degree would look good on my CV, and decided to return when I was 15. I've been here ever since.

So in a way, I suppose I am an immigrant, particularly since I don't have any contact with my relatives here.

You can't buy satisfaction like that...:D

The ones I believed he missed are:

Public Transport

This week, talks are underway to hand over parts of the London Underground to a Chinese takeaway *. Customers using the underground will be given fortune cookies predicting the chances of arriving at their chosen destination. The underground services will be closed between 2 - 5 pm, and all station names will be changed. New names will be translated from the original Chinese, and will cause hilarity and bafflement, "Single to Bear's Sweet & Sour Balls please." Customers will give up and use numbers instead.

As from today, the military chain of command will be disbanded, and senior officer ranks will be replaced by a quango, the  "I Haven't A Clue What My Men Are Upto" Council

As no-one will ever have to claim responsibility for defence of the realm, households will be issued with a booklet, "So You Have Been Conquered By Another Nation."

Research is being conducted by the government to ascertain the nation most likely to assume control over Britain; once a conclusion is drawn, lessons in that language will be conducted in schools.

Law & Order

All naughty people are to undergo a baffling system of mild intimidation by uniformed goons, boring lectures by be-wigged old men, and a chat from a Social Worker about how they've been let down by society before being released to have another go at committing the perfect crime.

The Europeans have decided that creating a constitution whereby everyone agrees to every boring detail is just simply too much trouble, and are willing to appoint a Prime Minister of their choice to become Grandmaster President of Europeland for Life. This is only if we would just shut-up and do as we are told by people who know better. From now on, all rulings made by a court can be overturned by...well anyone really.

Manners & Decorum

Rather than setting an example of how to behave before the Head of her husband's government, Mrs Blair will be giving lectures at £20,000 on "Do As You Please in Modern Society." This is a second instalment based on the success of her first lecture, "I Have Rights & No Responsibilities."

If there are any bargains, I get first choice!

Tobbot, aka Tobstv

They can also be dried and kept for use during the winter, which is probably when they are most needed!

As an ex-smoker, my lungs are obviously full of gunk, and I'm now at the hackin' stage, so I'm writing this while sipping from a glass of the stuff. I've also added a spoonful of honey.

Only thing is, they only bloom for 1-2 weeks, so go out and pick the blooms now, if you are prone to chest infections.

A quote from wikipedia states:

Tobbot, aka Tobstv

Step 1: Use a mind-map to work out the topics and sub-topics you will mention in your presentation.

Step 2: Examine your mind-map and work out how you are going to link each sub-topic, discarding the ones that 'don't fit' into what you are going to say.

Step 3: When delivering the presentation, use personal experiences and observations to liven-up the talk, making it more memorable for the listener(s).

Mind-maps are great tools for brain-storming ideas, and allow you to see the 'bigger picture' when it comes to planning a talk or creating a piece of writing. Laura's topic was "Television is bad for children,"  and so we worked out the topics she could mention: (click on the picture to enlarge)

(Fig 1)

From there, we then worked out the sub-topics:

(Fig 2)

(click on the picture to enlarge)

The blue highlights are actually a sub-topic which links a few ideas together.

All Laura has to do now is choose which sub-topics she wants to talk about, and she's off!

Worked like a charm.

Dad's as British as they come, with a surname like Doncaster you would've guessed we come from 'op north' and proud of it! Though he does claim some French & Scottish blood, I've drawn a sample and have yet to smell a hint of garlic or haggis.

Mum's a bit different; my grandfather definitely comes from Kerela, in South India. Of the 8 grandchildren on my maternal side, I am the only one to have actually returned to my grandfather's home, smelt the ocean and feel the pristine white sand under my feet. Then yelled like buggery because glaring white sand is HOT!

He immigrated to Singapore, and was re-located by the insurance company he worked for to head their office in Bangkok, where he met my grandmother.

And this is where my ancestry gets a bit murky; grandma claims four nationalities; Thai, Afghan, Burmese & Chinese. Throughout a loooong period of time her ancestors have immigrated (mostly for political reasons) and married into the local population in Thailand.

At this point, I relinquish all claims to any nationality and proclaim myself a world citizen!

We still haven't dealt with Mrs Tobbot's side...

Suffice to say we have lived in three countries so far, and currently live in Ashford, Middlesex, near Heathrow and the "Staines Massive".

Tobbot, aka Tobstv

So go on, clicky below, you knows you want to!

I'd always been told that you should take on-board with you the things you might need should the airline lose your hold luggage, hence the spare underwear & socks, all things medication - particularly the ones you need a script for, a list of numbers including my passport number and contacts where I'm going, and a spare front door key. (I leave my usual set with a neighbour).

One thing I learnt on my recent trip to Venice; you can carry medications in containers larger than the regulation 100 mls, but as the nice security man at Trevisio said, "is this for life?" i.e. was the medication really necessary?

He also wasn't pleased with the fact that I didn't have a medical certificate for my meds, and apparently this is now the rule for prescription medication taken abroad.

So now I know!

Kevin's desperate for new ideas, and would welcome suggestions:

http://kevins-united.blog.co.uk/2007/06/11/useful_inventions~2434920

I personally believe in the hypothesis that our modern way of life is killing off a lot of natural remedies which we then have to spend millions re-creating in a lab. It would be a shame if our phones are chasing away our medical saviours, n'est pas?

I for one will resolve to grow more flowers.